Let’s talk about feeling sexy… truly, unapologetically, inside-and-out sexy, especially in a world that hasn’t always celebrated plus size bodies. At The Curvy Fashionista, we know that plus size sexual confidence is more than a look. It’s a mindset, a vibe, and sometimes, a full-on reclamation.
That’s why we’re thrilled to feature this powerful guest article by Dr. Carol Queen, an award-winning sexologist at Good Vibes, an author, and a proud member of our TCF Expert Network. As a professional in the world of sexuality and pleasure, she’s here to remind us that our bodies are worthy of celebration and that owning your erotic self is a radical, joyful act of self-love.
When I set out to write a book about sexual self-confidence, Exhibitionism for the Shy: Show Off, Dress Up, & Talk Hot, I knew right away that I wanted to include interviews with people of different ages, sizes, and walks of life. From straight and shy to downright brazen, I wanted it all.
One bold, curvy woman in particular was on my radar: the beautiful blues singer Candye Kane. Like some of my other interviewees, she had passed through the sex industry, a professional exhibitionist, if you will, but I was just as interested in the career she built onstage.
You don’t have to be erotically interested in showing off to take your bodacious body into a concert hall or a dive bar, of course. But if you’re going to take that love of performance into bed, you have to be comfortable. I wanted Candye and my other interviewees to share their wisdom on exactly that.
So how do you go from big to bold?
Baby steps. And you start right where you are.
For plus size women (and others), it can be a real challenge to embrace your body when so much of the world has told you to cover up, get small, feel small.
Even the body positivity movement hasn’t fully shut down this kind of body-shaming, and it starts so early for some of us. Showing off our beautiful selves can feel fraught, with heightened nerves affecting every attempt.
That’s why I encourage exhibitionism. Because it’s an erotic sensibility that puts the focus on how we feel. Aiming for excitement and pleasure can help shift attention away from what others think about how we look or express ourselves.
Showing Off as Erotic
Before you show off for anyone else, start solo.
Enter the realm of exhibitionism in your fantasies. If it feels right, amplify that inner narrative by pleasuring yourself. Erotic excitement, as you may have discovered, can shift your attention away from self-consciousness.
Time alone is also perfect for exploring solo sexiness. Try dancing in front of a mirror, slowly peeling off a garment or two, or other kinds of autoerotic play. This is for you.
What You Wear to Heighten Your Plus Size Sexual Confidence
You might not be ready for body-hugging garments that show off every curve. That’s okay. But wear something sexy underneath!
This depends on your own definition of sexy, so don’t feel pressured into girly, sex kitten lingerie if that’s not your vibe. Combat boots and boy shorts can be just as sexy.
If you’re used to covering up and aren’t ready to change that in public, no problem. But can you make small shifts? Try wearing bolder colors. Or lean into that always-sexy tone, black with a pop of red. The key is to wear what feels good on you.
Tuning In to Your Own Sexy Sensibilities
Let me say this again: this is about you, and it’s for you.
You say that’s not how you were raised? Me either… and I went on to become an erotic performer and a sexologist.
If you take nothing else away from this article, take this: it matters what turns you on.
You might need to explore and experiment to even know what that is. What a great homework assignment, right?
Whom You’re With
Many plus size people have found that some potential partners eroticize their bodies.
That kind of attention can help you start appreciating your own sexiness. But remember, you don’t have to rely on someone else’s approval. Some fetishy partners may love your body more than they love you.
You are not sexy for someone else’s gaze. You are sexy because of how you feel, how you own it.
Seek playful, respectful partners (if you want partners at all) who care as much about your pleasure as their own.
Your Own Desires and Boundaries
You get to decide what you want to try and what you don’t.
Maybe it’s a “not yet,” and that’s perfectly okay. Explore on your own timeline. Respect where you are.
You’ll feel more confident and happier in your skin when you know you’re the one steering the ship. Focus on what feels good to you… physically, emotionally, and energetically.
When we give ourselves permission to embrace our erotic selves, the body awareness we were taught in childhood doesn’t disappear, it evolves.
That awareness can grow into something new, rooted in empowerment and joy. And the focus returns to where it should’ve always been: on ourselves, our comfort, and our pleasure.
