This month I would like to address insecurity masked as anger and its tolls. I know we all get angry at times, but we have to learn to be constructive not destructive with it. We have also been on the receiving end and it has left its scars. I’ve learned over my past relationships that angry words can be as devastating as a punch and repeatedly done, it can leave a lot of damage.
But where does this come from? What is the source of this? How do we grow from this?
For me, I have come to realize in my past marriage, that most (not all) of this anger stemmed from my ex’s insecurities and it showed its face as anger.
Sometimes we say things in the heat of the moment, never realizing that when that moment has passed, those hurtful mean and or disrespectful things linger like a toothache. And it has taken its toll and has damaged the union I once had. Most devastatingly, I have watched my sons struggle with this emotional turmoil.
My ex could never understand why there was resentment and distance. Why I didn’t speak for a few days at a time. We were just to accept what she dished out. Never an “I’m sorry” or an apology but when her behavior was brought up, I would receive defenses. “Why are you attacking me?” It was most frustrating.
Eventually, I reached my boiling point. I had to take control of my happiness, sanity and well-being of my children. I had to take stock in what was truly important. I had to start recognizing my unhappiness with the way things were.
My first thoughts were, she’s angry with me, I’ve disappointed her, I have done wrong, but over time I began to realize that her insecurities dictated her actions. Her lashing out was her way of protecting her feelings from hurt, by trying to hurt me. I didn’t understand why she’d be so cold toward me and say such things, but I did understand that it was way beyond my knowledge of how to deal with it.
I’ve taken personal inventory and I need to release myself of these life barricades standing in the way of our happiness- separately.
So this month I added a letter to my ex. This letter no matter how painful had to be written.
His Two Cents: Insecurity Masked as Anger, A Letter to My Ex
First let me start by expressing my love for you. I want to tell you how much you mean to me. My life seemed incomplete until you came into it. So I’m writing this with a heavy heart. I never thought we would get here, where we can’t communicate to each other. I never thought our lives would clash so much.
I’ve tried to tell you these things but it always leads to arguing. I have repeatedly tried to explain my feelings, how certain things you do hurt me. Your anger, has taken control of any type of understanding you have, me saying one thing only turns into your lashing out with venom! I’m a true believer that you’re true feelings come out when upset. You say the most hurtful things when you’re angry and then when you’re no longer mad you expect things to go back to normal, not recognizing how they can’t.
Once something is said it can’t be retracted.
I sit stunned. Wondering how I got here. I feel like I’m in an abusive relationship.
In calm times I bring up what you said and you defend yourself with, “I was just angry, I didn’t mean it.” So when you say these things I don’t know where or how to receive this. I’ve treated you well. I’ve always respected you. I’ve given everything to you. I don’t claim to be perfect by any stretch. But I am always respectful, even when upset.
It wasn’t until a few years into the marriage that I realized that your anger wasn’t about ME, but unresolved issues you had with your family. Our arguments may have started with me, but they would always end with “The men in my life always leave” or “No one has ever had my back.”
This is when I recognized the bigger problem, one I could not fix by myself…
Our children see you explode on them, cursing and slamming things; how can I expect better behavior from them? I don’t want them thinking that’s acceptable behavior. I don’t like going behind your back explaining how you act to the kids. That’s divisive to me and I don’t like it. This is not acceptable behavior for any relationship let alone the one I want to spend the rest of my life in.
But over the years I have taken it, I have allowed you to push the boundaries, but I cannot anymore. How do you respect and love someone and say such hurtful and disrespectful things to them? I don’t think you can. I have come to the realization that all I have given and shared with you will never be enough. You say I’m too sensitive sometimes, maybe, but I shouldn’t have to feel like my partner doesn’t respect me.
Now you aren’t the sole reason for these feelings I am to blame too. I allowed things to escalate to levels that weren’t healthy. When I think of what I could have done more of? I couldn’t answer this anymore. I’ve tried to love, to care, to sympathize, but when you do not know what to do and therapy ran its course, everything I tried didn’t seem to work…
I will always love you, I just can’t continue in this chapter of our marriage. I know you have love for me; I just wish you had that same respect for me.
Your Ex-Husband,
DJ
Now, as a divorced single father, my feelings are all over the map. Stress, relief, failure and joy. But I truly felt I had to go through that to find my own strength. I walked through a fire and became stronger steel because of it.
I do often feel sad that my marriage didn’t work, but I do not think that she is the one for me. My future relationships? Honestly, I do not know how this will affect them…
So now I ask you, how do you deal with your anger? Do you mask your insecurities as something else? Have you experienced something similar? Have you ever been on the receiving end and finally severed ties of that relationship? How do you heal and grow?
How do we make sure that these situations do not carry over to the next relationship?
These are all questions and thoughts I have when talking about relationships, sharing my little perspective on loving you and I would like to hear from you.
#RealMenAreVunerable
So, this is tough for me out of personal experience.
I was also in a relationship where I felt disrespected and once I figured that out, I also left. But he also blamed my insecurities and everything else he could think of in the process, in years and years of circular arguments on why we weren’t working. Any baggage I may have had was collateral and an offense to him to have to work with it. That I didn’t come perfectly packaged. Things have come up recently that shows that things happened in the same way in his follow-up relationship, how her personal issues became collateral once again, something he was offended that he had to deal with. I may have had issues due to insecurities at the time, but part of it was due to his lack of respect. He had his own resentments and insecurities too which colored every bit of argument we ever had. There was no chance of progress, and it took me far too much time to figure that out. So be glad you figured it out sooner rather than later.
So before you enter another relationship – really do some soul searching. What can you do differently? What are YOUR insecurities? I recommend a lot of therapy for not just you but your ex as well, and ask a lot of questions, and ultimately be able to honestly answer – what are your expectations of your partner’s behavior? And are they reasonable?
Wooooow!! Talk about holding up a mirror. Truth is hurt people, hurt people. Very good read, thanks for sharing DJ!
I went threw this a year ago and till this day he still asks “What did he do wrong?” I’m tired of repeating myself to him and explaining it all different types of ways! He’s 35yrs old and I just don’t get why he doesn’t get it! His words have hurt me plenty times over and his actions have not shown the love that he claimed he had! So I left after 4yrs of on and off. I can admit that my insecurities played a huge part but I admitted to it and worked on fixing it. But him! Nooo,he just denied his actions and his words and I couldn’t!
To those of you who have gone through this: Just be thankful if/that you weren’t so invalidated and intimidated (like I was) to let it continue for nearly 30 years. I know it is difficult to heal from this sort of relationship no matter what, but it might not be as difficult for those who haven’t been nearly destroyed time and time again for years upon years. I wish anyone enmeshed in this type of relationship a clean-as-possible break and a speedy recovery of their self esteem and peace of mind.
Good article!! I think that we grow up with expectations that are unrealistic. We think when we fall in love it is someone else’s responsibility to make us happy. We don’t know how to LOVE OURSELVES because we haven’t been taught how, because our parents didn’t know. My journey has been a long one because I have been taught by articles like this that I am valuable and to learn to LOVE ME. If you don’t love yourself, how can we expect others to love us!! So we get into these fights because we are fighting about something we know nothing about. Who are you? REALLY!!
I was in a very abusive relationship, name the type of abuse and that was the description of it. Once I realized that I could simply just open the front door and leave, I did. Once I did I learned how to LOVE myself . I also took off the mask and let me be me. Then I met someone else. He allowed me to be me. He loves who I am and in turn he deserved to be loved by someone without emotional baggage, but my someone with great wisdom and first hand knowledge of how relationships shouldn’t be. And I’m not saying that an old suit case wasn’t open here and there. Im saying I recognized what it was and slammed it shut and we dealt with whatever it was head on and together. We have been married for 20yrs. So my advice to you is heal from this. Teach your sons what healthy relationships are and look like and give your self a chance to be the true man you are and what you can do in a loving nurturing respectful relationship.. your past relationship should not be the anchor that stops you from moving forward.