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Confidence, Sex, and the Plus Size Woman pt.1
Editor’s Note: Earlier this week on Facebook, I posed the question about Sex and the plus size woman, as it relates to building confidence. With YOUR overwhelming response, I have brought on a new contributor, Bonnie Lee who shares tips on embracing your sexuality and being confident in the bedroom as a plus size woman.
This is a 3-part series that, based upon YOUR comments will delve deeper into channeling your inner sexual confidence! Enjoy! Marie Denee
Sometimes when my husband and I are walking hand in hand people look at us. I think I know what they are thinking. Actually, I know what they are thinking. I am a foxy, vibrant, voluptuous woman and he is a fit and handsome Marine.
I am petite, curvy and PLUS SIZE.
He is tall, slim and muscular. We are polar opposites. But as they say opposites attract. From the moment I married this man eleven years ago he has not stopped loving me, loving my body and always ensuring I never lose my curves.
Curvy girl sex is so important. It is not just about making love it is about making confidence. A confident woman can do many things including have the best sex life she deserves. But so many women are afraid of their bodies.
How their bodies move and what it looks like to their partner.
Trust me the last thing your partner is worried about is what you had for breakfast and how it has now formed into a perfect little roll around your hips. You are in the moment and sex, GOOD sex starts with confidence.
BUT, you must give yourself permission to THINK you CAN be SEXY!
All images from Hips and Curves
But how do you get confident? How do you take control of your thoughts and control of how your body moves? We are going to move slow, so if you are already past this part, you are already ahead of the pack!
I want to tackle confidence in part 1 and in part 2, I will tackle how to control the way your body moves for the pleasure of both you and your partner.
But confidence is your number one priority and it starts by…
- Giving yourself permission to be sexy- Yes, you are a plus size woman, but you are a WOMAN. You have needs, wants, and desires just like the rest of us. And guess what? This is okay and normal. If a certain dress makes you feel sexy, wear it. If those heels make you feel like a naughty librarian, rock them! If wearing the flyest bra and panty set underneath it all makes you feel like you have a naughty secret, own it!
- Thinking sexy thoughts – They must come from emotion. To think sexy you must feel sexy. One of the best ways to dive into those thoughts is to read about them. Right before you are going to bed or even with your partner read all about it. Two great fiction books are Naughty Bed Time Stories and Bawdy Bedtime stories by Joan Elizabeth Lloyd. It will get you in the mood and thinking sexy. Additional reading by Zane or 50 Shades of Gray will set the mood nicely.
- Learning to love yourself naked- How many times have you hurriedly ran past the mirror? Stand in front of the mirror often and do it NUDE! Each time, find one thing you love about you. Soon you will love more of yourself to give the best of yourself to your partner. Sexy and confidence equals a great time in the bedroom. Great love making equals great love. A love that is greater for yourself and your partner.
- Playing with Sexy toys – It sounds kind of taboo but toys are great for when you are learning about your body. How can your partner please you if you do not know what makes you feel amazing? You all know Kandi Burruss from Real Housewives of Atlanta. Well she really must know women because her Oh Mi Bod adult toys are cute! Yes, I said cute. Shaped like lipsticks and makeup compacts makes it feel more glamorous than taboo. You can find what you need with Hips and Curves Naughty Gifts and Bedroom Kandi Oh Mi Bod toys.
- Dressing sexy – How can you feel sexy and confident if you are not dressing the part? Hips and curves is one of my favorite plus size lingerie stores. They have sexy corsets and bustiers. They have petticoats and knickers. Do I hear dress up and role play time? You can find playful nighttime wears at Hips and Curves , Full Beauty, Bare Plus, and Cacique by Lane Bryant.
The facts are that confidence comes from accepting you as YOU are, loving yourself like NO OTHER, and loving your body like no one else can. You DO NOT need anyone’s permission to do so. Lynn Ruby has a great mini read and exercise on Loving Your Body here! Fit and Feminist has the perfect post about the mental anguish about bathing suits and media to read!
Happy love making!
What tips would YOU Share for building confidence in the bedroom? With yourself? Do you THINK you can be SEXY? Make sure you stay tuned next Friday for part 2!
Bonnielee Cuevas is former NYC Fashion Stylist, and Journalist with a very successful portfolio. She left the fashion industry and is a Lifestyle, Holistic & Sustainable Expert, Humanitarian, and Mental Health Advocate.
She has been a successful Entrepreneur for over 13 years. BonnieleeCuevas.Com is where you will find sprinkles of her personal adventures, encouragement through a sustainable, holistic, and positive approach to fill your body, mind, and spirit with pure JOY.
She has been seen and featured in (not limited to): CBS Radio Minnesota, Curvy Magazine, Adweek, Business Insider, Fashion School Daily, Oxygen Magazine and named one of Vogue’s Top Influential Social Media Darlings.
You may have read many of her articles on sites like: The Curvy Fashionista, Dame Life Blog, Skorch Magazine and Zumba Life Magazine. Her passion and knowledge for style has never left her spirit, and she continues to freelance on the subject.
About the Author
Be yourself and not a character! Women seem to think that they have to step outside of themselves and become something different when in reality they are enough. The person that they’re with already thinks that they’re attractive and great.
If you’re quirky, bring that to the bedroom. Don’t be so serious, and have fun with it. If something happens that’s funny, laugh about it and keep going. Don’t take things super serious. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable. Nerves can easily get to a woman, and that’s multiplied when you’re worried about your body too.
SPOT ON! When in reality, they are enough! Perfection!!! Although a little role playing doesn’t hurt! 😛
The best advice I ever received in all things is fake it till you make it….with sex..watch some porn…how do they act..move ..sound…dress…see something you apply it…even if its outside your comfort zone…fake that confidence …then you will own it …rock it be it…trust me you’ll feel the heat …its like a dirty little secret….then one day you realize …hey I made it im confident ….
Hi Sunshinehuges74!
I understand where you are coming from, but I must disagree. Sex is a beautiful thing. It is a gift from God. Not a dirty little secret. It should not make us feel naughty. It is part of who we are as human beings. Sex is something we should enjoy inside of a committed marriage relationship. It is safe there. Peak performance is not the goal in the marriage bed… intimacy is. And out of intimacy, grounded in selfless love and commitment, will flow the best sex you have ever had and ever will have. God made sex too good for us to relegate it to dark rooms and naughty little corners in our minds. Turn on the lights! Open your eyes. Lock gazes with your husband and make love! :). Oh, and pick up the book “The Meaning of Marriage” by Timothy Keller. It will change your world.
Say it boo! Say it!
This was a great beginning. As someone who has struggled with their weight almost all their life, it wasn’t until I turned 30 that I truly understood what it was to love myself no matter what the scale (or my clothes) said. I try to be healthy and my body must catch up but that’s all that matters… that and looking damn good doing it!
Thank you for this! I hope many more women take heed and apply liberally!
Yeahhh! I am happy you are at a happy place with you and have come to love and embrace yourself! SCORE!!!
You have to be able to realize that sexy isn’t a size. It’s not about how much you weigh, how big your butt is…nada. I’m engaged to a wonderful man who loves all of my rolls and lumps and all he wants is for me to be happy. If the man or woman (I don’t assume!) loves you as you are, they will always tell you that. Knowing that someone loves you and can’t wait to touch you is sexy as hell.
YESSS… score one for the curvy girls!!! This is soo great to hear and I hope that those reading the comments will be motivated or encouraged in finding happiness for themselves with their partners!
I got this idea from Virgie Tovar another awesome plus sized blogger. She said to write an erotic story with you at the center. That might allow u to play out your fantasies privately. I tried it and um…yes…
Did you blog it??? I am curious….
I love this!! I’m not plus size, but I definitely have my insecurities and I
absolutely agree with on the confidence.
These tips are so helpful and really read well. Thanks for sharing
🙂
Thank you for reading!!! 🙂
Excellent post. I love plus sized women and find that a lack of confidence has always been a common problem in the relationship. I agree that the first step should always be to accept yourself, love yourself and see the real curvaceous and sexy you before anyone else can love you. No matter how much affirmation I offer, it is useless unless you know inside that you are sexy, your size is not who you are, and real curves is real beauty.
Thank you sooo much Jason!
Oh thank you so much for this! I needed to read this at exactly this moment. I’ve had some amazing relationships with men who have loved me just as I was, curves and all. I never saw myself how they saw me and now that I’m 27, I feel a new found confidence and am beginning to see myself as pretty even though society is slow to see that. I’m not perfect and gosh I don’t think I’d ever want to be but I want to be happy in my own skin so that when I find that great guy who thinks I’m beautiful, I can agree with him. 😉 I’m going to bookmark this and keep this in my mind for when I have those weak moments. Thank you again.
XOXOXO It is baby steps darling!
I’m a plus size woman and this article really inspires me! I love the photos 🙂
This has always been a problem for me. I am plus size..even at my skinniest I was still slightly bigger in the hips than most women. I am losing weight to be healthy BUT I don’t want to think that being sexy only means being skinny. This article has given me a lot to think about. YES, I am plus size but I am also sexy and my husband knows it. I must remember that.
YES, please remember that! You cannot weigh beauty darlin! 🙂
Thank you so much for this article… Im 24 turning 25 may 3rd and have always been considered the “pretty plus sized girl” which has made me very insecure and unable to enjoy life the way I should…. this article has really helped along with the other comments!!
Daily… love daily we grow and work on ourselves. Some may be harder than others, but it is in our communities we create that help us to get through! XOXOXO Keep your head up!
This 3 part article has really helped me! My boyfriend and i recently had an argument because the way i shyed away and didn’t completely let go in the bedroom had also started to effect him. My confidence is very low when it comes to my body and he kept getting frustrated because he tells me im beautiful and already love my body… This really helped me the most because i just needed to read that other woman had the same problem and that there is a way to gain back my body confidence and enjoy my sex life!
realy your sevice is great and great,,, what you show us ,,we never see with our eyes,, by seeng this womens nude now our life is full and full ,,,this merit is to you,,, I offer you millions of thanks and thanks,, God Bless You
Love this. Shared with my readers! http://www.examiner.com/article/blog-explores-sexuality-for-the-curvaceous-woman
Really loved d comment about God, I tink God should just as much b a part of our sex life as any other part, he created sex to b loved and enjoyed between two partners(male and female), dat are married, it’s a beautiful tin wen u love ur body, andd esp wen u share sometin as intimate and amazing as sex wit someone dat loves urs. Beauty is not limited to size or weight, beauty is simply in d knowledge of it, if a slimer girl can love erself and feel sexy and confident, y shouldn’t a bigger girl, everybody has deir preference, b wit a guy dat loves ur body , as much as u do, and u’l av an amazing life ful wit confidence.
I think confidence is really connected to not giving a fig about what outsiders think. If people want to judge you based on some narrow-minded, culturally-dictated, media-driven BS, they are way too concerned about what other people think, and they are missing out.
However, I know of a guy who told his wife (HIS WIFE!) that he couldn’t sleep with her because she had gotten too fat. Not wouldn’t–COULDN’T. She wasn’t fat; she had redundant skin from being a tiny little woman who had a 10lb baby. I feel for her, and she has become very focused on her weight now, but she did not have the problem. He had the problem, and someone needs to hit him in his head.
So, I understand the anxiety, but you can’t control that. Just surround yourself with people who are not idiots and be who you are. You can’t be anyone else, and isn’t that a good thing?
I wish I could find my sexy confidence once again as a young women I was a size 4 yes I said 4 and now I’m a 22. I have tried looking at myself in the nude but just cry at what stairs back. I have always been curvy but in a sexy way. Now I just see rolls and dimples. My husband says that I have the most sexiest laugh and voice he has heard in a while and I just need to build on that but not so easy. If I could find my sexy back I would be so grateful.
First I’d have to find a husband.
Sexxxx…â¤â¤â¤â¤
Find someone who is patient and willing to discover what you like
I’m listening because I will not take off all my clothes
Aw sweetie, the right partner will beg to see it all ð
ð you are stunning. I love the confidence you exude. Keep it up mama ð
Girl you are worth way MORE than this mentality! Do some affirmations and focus on what you do love about yourself!
I didnt have to he did. He constantly tells me im beautiful and he loves my body every inch every roll ever stretch mark. I used to not take off all my clothes but with him after 6 years i feel comfortable and sexy ððð
The hardest part is finding someone who arouses me mentally. When we get past that part I don’t really have a problem with the nudity because he approached me. How can we be truly intimate if I’m scared or ashamed to take my clothes off. Shame leads to inhibition. Stop over thinking and just enjoy.
That’s the mans job.. If he doesn’t make you feel comfortable and confident you should not have sex.
I missed that post. Are there any queer women contributing?
As far as I am concerned, I am very free with my body, I am not ashamed of it and I tend to love it. But, though I am plumpy, I have always pampered my image and my inner self. I am very feminine, I make up and wear nice clothes every day. I receive a lot of nice words about my appearance and therefore, when it comes to bed, I am very liberate.
1.getnaked 2. Know that my body was made for loving 3. Get to getting it on … for me when I get to that point with a man I’m already comfortable so it’s easy.
I’ve always been comfortable with my size; every partner I’ve had was/is a lover of curves and plumpcious, bountiful breasts and booties and thighs. At 25 yrs together and 24 married my husband loves putting his head on my jiggly belly because “that’s where our babies were!” ð
A shot of vodka…ðð
Few for me lol
I don’t agree it’s ALL the man’s job. It’s only part his job. He does have to make sure to never to do or say anything to make you feel uncomfortable. But, if you refuse to ever let go of your insecurities, no matter how perfectly any man treats you, it will never work. You have to put the time and effort into letting go of all that negativity in your head and enjoy the experience. Easier said than done. Every time you’re intimate, let go of one tiny little thing. It adds up.
If you know you are a sexy woman and your man knows you are sexy I think it comes easy.
Your question suggests that we’re not already confident. I don’t build my confidence any more for sex than I do for anything else. He sees a plus size woman WITH clothes on so I’m not going to magically shrink to a slender woman without clothes on so if he’s with it, he’s with it. If not he can bounce but I do not deal with men who are ashamed to show their preference for a big woman. That DOES make things a little easier when you have a man who already appreciated a big woman. That way he’s not tripping over seeing your body nude.
MY CONFIDENCE IS 100%. I’ve never aligned or associated MYSELF with anyone who doesn’t let me maintained my confidence, which I had before they came along. I pamer myself, just because and I’d allow him to expand on that level. My boyfriend said that when a woman is confidence, it is the most SEXY thing EVER!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
hermosaaaaaaaa
I have the most wonderful husband. We adore each other and are attracted to other. He can’t keep his hands off me and that makes me feel sexy, sensual, desirable and attractive. I have never really not liked my body. He loves my curves and that simply adds to me loving my body.
Drinks and the likes!ðððððð
Altho I’m engaged & my fiancé is out of state @ the moment, what makes me confident is my appearance. When I have that right OUTFIT or LINGERIE & He sees it. I know the SEX & INTIMACY WILL B MIND- BLOWING!!!
Take care of yourself mind body and soul. Make peace with who you are and stop judging and putting yourself down. If you can do that you’ll have no choice but to let your sexuality come through. Finally don’t buy into the bullshit that plus size isn’t sexy.
Doreen Ibie Patrick
Beautiful n Sexy ðð
My feeling is if you a big girl clothed, you’re a big girl nude, and most of the folks attracted to you won’t be surprised once you’re naked that suddenly you’re not thin UNLESS you wear a lot of shapeware, then I have no idea, lol. Being comfortable with your partner and able to communicate is key to any sexy times fun, and that’s one size fit all advice for anyone.
http://selfcervix.com/
I am not confident at all. That probably why i have been single for 7 yrs..yes 7 yrs…dont even have FWB.
you are not that big…u should start dating and u r beautiful
I just spent 7.5 years single. I understand how you feel! Don’t give up, though!
Mpopolwane Shabangu SHUT. UP.
Thanks luvs…
My man likes… He always says my belly is nice and soft and that the only thing he really sees are my nice, big, natural boobs!
<3
I only take lovers who love my body.
I’m turning 50, and I’m a size 16 and I’ve never been sexier. I know myself, what I like, my body is a vehicle to pleasure for me and my partner. Life is too short to miss out on fun, pleasure or love because of worrying about my body. We don’t wait for permission from someone else to see ourselves as sexy. We claim it for ourselves!
I’ve just turned 50 too, and I have never felt sexier …I have sexual dysfunction due to an injury and my partner and I are shagging like teenagers regardless of my dysfunction (In fact I think all of the shagging has actually helped improve my sexual responsiveness) ANYWAY…he loves my curves (always liked slim sporty chicks)… but can’t believe what he’s missed out on all these yearsððððð¾â¤ï¸ ….DANGER CURVES AHEAD
Westerly Gillespie that’s awesome! Keep shagging sister! â¤ï¸ curves
It took time to be ok with my body. I’m able to stand in front of a mirror naked. I have given birth to two amazing souls-my stretch marks are that road map. My husband loves ALL on me, knows what I like and how I like it. I was not always confident, but my husband helped. Now…..Babeeee I rock what I got.
Lady in the street and a freak in the bed. IJS
I’m an old maid. I’ve never had much self-confidence and I have depression (I’m on meds and see my doctor). I’ve always felt I wasn’t good enough for anyone or had anything to offer. I’m attracted to men, but I don’t feel like I could ever make anyone happy. I’m too sensitive and my feelings get hurt too easily. You have to be strong to be in a relationship. I’m not unfortunately. I wish I was stronger, but I’m not. I just try to enjoy my friends and family. I enjoy reading and it helps with coping with the profound loneliness I feel.
Sorry to hear this. Thanks for sharing.
sending positive energy. hope you have a nice and pleasant day. ð¹
Do you know how much strength it takes to get old enough to be an old maid? Do you know how much strength it takes to know yourself as you show here? We’re all already in a relationship with ourselves, and if you’re strong enough to see doctors and get diagnosis and treatment, you’re stronger than many.
I don’t remember. It’s been a while…
I’m confident in me, myself and iðI’m curvy and my man Love me the way I am
I have the PJs the model is wearing in the thumbnail. My cousins bought them for my wedding night. My husband thought I was sexy as hell and always has. He loves me head to toe, inside and out. ð
By fucking a lot ððð
You only need to believe in your own confidence. I stand in the mirror and admire all my good parts and faults. I don’t care if anyone think differently but I love me! Embrace your body and who ever you deal with sexually will love your confidence!
The one realisation that really clicked things into perspective for me was this: in all my years of being sexually active, not once has it happened that I took off my clothes (or even just part of them) and the other person said “Yuck, no thanks, I’ll go now.” Sex was always had and enjoyed thoroughly by both parties. That made me realise that hey, if it gets to the undressing/sexy times stage, the other person is there for that and my body is not repulsive to them. So if it isn’t, why should I be ashamed of it and be the one to make myself feel bad? There’s literally no reason! I realised that we tend to think the worst of ourselves when others literally only see the sexy, beautiful, willing naked person in front of them. (It’s also helped that apparently I’m quite good at all things sex and have had glowing “reviews” most of my life. Not gonna deny that. But that all comes from being sex-positive and knowing your body, what you respond to, what you want and actually being brave enough to ask for it and to claim it. Self-confidence in one’s abilities is also key.)
I love ladies like the one on the picture but they are hard to approach. It is easier to approach girls which are rendered as hotter in stereotypes. I have concluded that they think that if you are approaching them there is something wrong with you. It is not your fault but you’ve been made to accept the lie that you are not hot. We have to change this.
You have to first know that you are sexy then ask yourself if you want to have sex with yourself. If the answer is yes. There should be no further questions. Be good too yourself. Play dress up. Be confident with your body. Make no excuses for your body and love you as a whole in your own natural state. I prefer sex with the lights on or some form of light period. I personally feel like making love with the lights off signify fear and shame.
Sexy
Sfgddggcfff
A big part is getting out of your head and enjoying the moment, listening to your partner. It’s funny, my thighs are probably the body part I’m most self-conscious about but both my last 2 exes were like “I love these thighs!” (unprompted) Hahaha so try to see yourself through their eyes!
I can’t open the link!!!
http://www.refinery29.com/fat-proud-sexy-plus-size-women-representation
Once in a blue I question my sexiness but as someone stated. The person sees your plus size and likes it so what’s the difference if your clothes are off? They don’t expect you to be thin under there.lol