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Not always so Confident

Not always so Confident

Not always so confident

Just one of those days, that a girl goes through…

Those days. Those moments. Those Feelings.

The days when personal attacks on our appearance, character, our very being can cause us to question our worth, our beauty, and our very existence.

Those days.

Where we feel ugly, unpretty, fat, overwhelmed, unloved, or lonely can at times be far from fleeting- yet can also be a varying reality. This has been an interesting moment of reflection for me as I navigate through my own personal life, sorting through it all. I have these moments, and as I try to shake these feelings, chat with my girls, its quite refreshing to know you are not alone in these fleeting moments…

Not always so confident

However, what prompted me to really sit down with you guys and talk about it was a combination of a few things that I have observed, feelings that I have had, and thoughts of navigating through it all.  I KNOW it is not easy being a woman, especially at times when society seems to find a reason to knock you down for every. little. thing. about your being. Maybe not even someone, sometimes we do this to ourselves. I have a habit of being way too hard on myself, not giving myself a break, or negating my feelings to appease or cater to others.

Especially as we head into the holidays, a time where we are supposed to be happy and joyful, there are moments where we feel overwhelmed with life’s demands and obligations- whether it be family, friends, or work! I have had a few of these moments and I have come to realize that this can be somewhat normal or understandable… But I have also learned that through this “noise” I need to turn it down a notch and just sit in my feelings… and realize that they are valid. I need not beat myself up, push myself to an edge (or emotional ledge), or feel guilty about it all… As I walk you through my emotional processes and thoughts, I wanted to know and hear from you.

While we make our way through all the noise that demands and dictates a specific standard of living, tell me how do you get through it all- even through those days where we are not so confident?

See Also
Meeting my father and his/my family

DO you fake it till you make it? Do you escape into music? DO you reach out to friends?

Rather than give solutions, I wanted to talk about it.

In times where you feel those moments of “not so confident” how do you deal?


View Comments (21)
  • My mantra….This is just right now….not forever.  and its okay to not be 100% 100% of the time.  If that means I need a cookie…or a new pair of shoes….sobeit.  Ill get back on the horse and armor up tomorrow or the next day.  But I try to always give myself permission to just “be”….as long as Im more great than not….it averages out in my favor.

    I also take those articles and the negative messages we get with a grain of salt.  Disassociate.  Those numbers/stereotypes/women are not me.  Your labels dont matter to me. There is not a box made to put me in.  I simply wont allow it.

    • Ronyelle! Great points made here! 

      I think the most amazing words you said were “Giving Yourself permission to just BE” I love that! 

      Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! But how do YOU shake it?

      • The best way for ME to shake it is to not only accept but ask for whatever it is at any given moment that I need.  If Im feeling less than…sometimes I need my girls to come take, to the movies, reminiscing down memory lane or whatever to remind me of where Ive been and how far Ive come.  Othertimes I have to tell my hubby my foundation is shaky and I need extra TLC…more please and thank yous or a longer hug.  Or I’ll call my daddy…just to talk because sometimes a girl just wants to go “home” even if its just for alittle while and in spirit only. 

        Its easier said than done.  We arent supposed to ask for help.  We arent suppposed to need it.  For me, admitting it and asking for help is a constant struggle but I know my lows are less frequent and over more quickly when I do ask for that “help”.

  • Because I’m human, I allow myself a day to have a sympathy day.  However, the next day is strictly my glam day.  It may seem like an easy fix.  But that is the only way that I can restore balance in my life and ensure that my lack of confidence does not spiral into depression.  On my sympathy day, I allow myself to cry out and pig out.  I isolate myself from the world, turn off my phone, and just let the emotions go.  By day’s end, when I’ve cried my eyes out, I find my solace in sleeping.  Sleep gives me a sense of a clean slate.  By the dawn of the next morning, I am in a better mood.  I have a “take charge” attitude and I let my personal style reflect.  I put on my sassiest heels with my most flattering outfit and sashay to work….that’s how I cope with life’s down days…

    • A Take Charge outfit? What does that consist of? I would LOVE to hear about that! 

      I really like that you give yourself that space to be and feel how you do and acknowledge it! I think THIS is the most viable and important piece to take from your words! 
      Thank you so much for sharing!!!! 

  • I try not to measure myself to anyone’s standards because in the past that’s where majority of my lack of confidence came from.  Lately I’ve been really comfortable with who I am and most of it has come from finding my purpose.  I think if you have at least one thing you do well and put time and effort into molding and shaping whatever that thing is then you’ll have less time to feel “less” confident.   I know this sounds backwards, but I’ve also lowered my expectations on the “outcome” of the goals I set.  I used to set my goals so high they were hard to achieve (weight loss goals, career goals, etc..).  Then when I failed my confidence took a direct hit.  I still expect a level of excellence from myself but lowering the expectation of the outcome took off a lot of pressure.  So now I just “be who I am” and “do what needs to be done” without all the added pressure and insecurity of “Will they love me?, Will I succeed?”.  That’s been working so much for me lately!

    • Beverly! 

      I love this thought process and ideal. I agree with you on the pressure placed upon us, both self inflicted and societal. I love it and I can read the confidence through your post! Thank you so much fro sharing! 

    • I totally agree with the setting realistic goals tip – I always did the same thing but I have been working on that lately. I tend to be hard on myself and as a so I have been focusing more lately on not putting so much pressure on myself (making smaller more manageable, short-term goals rather than focusing on large, lofty, long-term ones). I have started really working on accepting the fact that things are going to go wrong and I am going to mess up no matter what I do (and that it’s ok!) and I think ever since I have done that I have let go of the worry about being perfect. Not that you shouldn’t have goals or put pressure on yourself but the key is to cut yourself some slack once in a while – it’s not about how big the goal is that you are achieving or reaching for, it’s about the fact that you ARE achieving it or reaching for it and it’s important to keep that in mind

  • What a great post.  I have always found impromptu nights out with friends, dressing to the 9’s and listening to great upbeat music a great way to gain confidence.  Also, dispose of anything that makes you feel bad about yourself (magazines, pics of clothes you could never afford, your ex’s FB page with him and his new wife . . .) at least for a little while.  Make a list of what makes you fabulous (always being loyal, saving $5 at the store using coupons, having a dog that unconditionally loves you, etc.).  You are fabulous.  Flaunt it!

    • LOL at the ex’s FB page with the wife, but I see your point 110%! It is one thing to have a list, but is this list a checkoff list of to-dos? do you know what I mean? How do you take this from paper to reality? 

  • I am not a woman, but I do have periods where I am feeling not so confident, too.  I imagine that women are judged much more harshly on the outer appearance, as well as the inner soul than men are.  And I feel for all of you ladies.  But as an independent fashion designer, my confidence takes a beating on a daily basis.  I am left wondering if what I do is good enough.  Are my designs pretty enough?  If so, why am I not in a better position financially?  I used to judge myself based on the accomplishments of other designers and that was SO debilitating.  As I struggle to get my wares out to the public, each day has it rewards and its setbacks.  Sometimes my aesthetic is validated and other times it is not.  I have turned to food, gaining more than 30 lbs in the last few years, as a coping mechanism.  I am trying to break that habit.  I really don’t know the answers, beyond major success.  Just trying to work on myself one day at a time.

    • Wilbur!!!!!

      Thank you for providing a male’s perspective on this! I think we all have our own personal struggles and battles, and I think finding healthy ways to get through them is the answer. Acknowledging yes, but then moving through and forward will only help us in the long run! 

      I wish you so much luck darlin! 

  • I do the list thing, too, so I can respond. Just making a list of things that make me happy usually makes me feel better- because it reminds me that even though I feel down on myself, there are lots of people who love me and lots of fun things I’m involved in. I don’t have to do any of the things on the list; just the reminder makes me feel good.

    On days when I don’t feel good about myself, I also like to snuggle in some comfy pajamas, watch a funny movie, and eat some chocolate. I’ve found that if I don’t feel like I have to “be fabulous,” I can get comfortable just being myself (which is, of course, fabulous). Maybe I get stuck “trying” too hard.

  • Oh yea I have days I dont feel so confident…….usually around the 3rd week of every month. When I feel fat, nothing fits, my hair wont curl, the evidence of my smoking habit is showing on my teeth, my nails keep breaking, my skin looks dry, my hair feels dry…ect ect ect…..I could go on and on….on days like this after I spend an hour feeling like a lump on a log…I finally go into “OPERATION FABULOUS and FANCIFUL”…..for real…..its really a boost my confidence in my appearance…….

    Step one…..I wash up all my clothes….LOL for real I probably feel fat and nothing fits me cause….all my favs are in the hamper and the only thing left are those pieces that aren’t the most flattering…which leads me to step 2

    Step 2……I take whatever I tried on that day which made me look frumpy and put them in a bag and into the garage…..Get them out of my closet!!…Now I dont throw them away yet becuase I’m not sure yet if they really look frumpy or am I just really hormonal…SO I wait a few days and try them on again…if its a wrap..I toss or donate or something… whatever it takes to get it out of my closet

    Step 3 I take a loong hot shower… steaming hot……I stay in there until there is no hot water left….I wash my hair…tend to all my goodies make sure everything is smooth as a baby bottom….when I get out I dry off and slowly and maticulously moisturize my skin….taking the time to appreciate every nook and cranny….I then stand in the mirror in all my glory and say positive affirmations to myself…..

    Step 4….. Still in my glory…..I style my hair in a funky fresh style. Usually something new because my hair is clean and now its doing everything I want it to do…my curls are rocking!

    Step 5….I revisit my closet now that my clothes are clean and pick out a fabulous outfit…with some BAD ASS shoes and fly purse….. I dont know but shoes and accesories get me going…..

    Step 6….I go to starbucks and order a white chocolate mocha and a egg white spinish wrap…..leave Starbucks and two doors down is where I get a mani, pedi and eyebrow wax…..I put my earphones in..listen to some music while I am being pampered…….and the message chair is going…oooh sooooo relaxing

    After I am done here “OPERATION FABULOUS AND FANCIFUL” is complete….. IT this time I usually feel so good about myself. I’m all dressed up with no where to go. So what else is there to do but ……GO SHOPPING!!

  • On my less than rock star days I allow myself the cupcake or whatever food is on my mind and then I clean like a mad woman.  When I clean it forces me to take a look at all God has blessed me with and remind me of my moto “No pressure, No diamonds”.  

  • The way I handled it when it got too much was to isolate myself and I mean completely, I don’t recommend it. I felt like that for a period of months and every day being me was getting harder. I live alone and I just dropped all contact with friends, I felt they were pulling me down, truth is they wouldn’t have been able to if I hadn’t felt so low in the first place. Do I regret it? Sometimes but I wasn’t with the healthiest (psychologically) of people to be around and it was taking it’s toll on me I went from being bubbly and confident to being a depressed wreck. Ladies if these feelings last more than a day or two get them checked out it’s completely normal to have the blues and self doubt now and again but when it’s persistent it can heavily impact your life as it did mine. Don’t ever hesitate to shed the weight of abusive or judgemental people but also don’t forget to reach out because it’s alright to need others every now and then, no woman is an island!

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